Learning By Example

I miss my Mama. She taught me a lot about living with trauma.

My mother lost her son and her Mother on the same night that her remaining child endured an immense amount of physical pain that left scars. I think what made it even more traumatic for her is that 1) she wasn’t physically injured in any lasting way (she jumped out of the car in the moment between impact & explosion & was prevented from going back in the car to retrieve any of us by a bystander who physically restrained her) & 2) her family & friends told her it was all her fault, some even said outright “you killed them”.

Even though I don’t have children, I am overwhelmed when I think of the magnitude of her losses & I cannot imagine how she survived as long as she did. Now either she was a mistress of Faking It, her Suppression Game was on fleek (that’s what I believe now), but she managed to live & love & laugh for those 24 years. I did not know that Survivor’s Guilt was killing her until it killed her (not that I have any idea what I would’ve done if I had known--I don’t think I was really cognizant of that as a thing until then). I strongly suspect that having a child to raise is what kept her from sinking into a non-functioning depression born of out everlasting grief.

So during my formative years I learned that it is possible to really enjoy life while living with deep trauma, that it is possible to love deeply & fully with a broken heart, that everything has a humorous side, and that all of life is an adventure. I learned resilience in the face of nonsensical, primal emotional pain. 

I fell back on these lessons hard when she died. I can recite them but am not yet living them. I was ashamed when the depth of my grief at losing her made me want to kill myself in order to end the pain. I thought it would be an insult to her strength for me to not bear up under the weight of my grief, when her grief must have been so much stronger. There’s a lot that’s problematic with that thought, but it kept me from killing myself and still does, so I’m fine with using it as an inspiration to live. That & spite is all that keeps me getting up some days (spite at a world that is so clear about its hatred of people like me).

My Mama also taught me by example that Survivor’s Guilt is deadly. The world didn’t allow her a space to express her pain so it ate her up from the inside. This is why I’m so open about my emotional pain & rage & grief, I let it out whenever & however I can as an homage to her. To do with my own life what she was unable to do with hers. And I like to think that as I heal, I’m also healing her spirit, wherever it is.