The Intimacy of Colloboration

I admit that I’ve always had a fascination with musical duos where the pair used to be lovers. There’s an intimacy involved in true collaboration that mirrors the type of intimacy involved in a romantic relationship. I always wondered how the current lovers of the romantically broken up yet still emotionally involved musical duo handled it (this was in my pre-poly days).

And I also admit that one of the things I miss most (if not the thing I miss most) about my marriage was our political/educational collaborations. And that I currently prioritize the search for a collaborative partner over the search for a romantic or sexual partner. I even once facetiously stated that “Collaboration is a form of fucking, and sometimes that’s the only fucking you should be doing with that person.” But I do actually believe that. Through my work with a client who’s an artist, I’ve actually decided to reframe my view towards romantic relationships by approaching them the way I would an artistic or political collaboration, and at some point I’ll probably change all my dating profiles to say I’m looking for a romantic collaboration.

What is so intimate about collaboration? There’s a level of vulnerability & trust, a joint understanding of service to a communal vision. In my best collaborations with my ex-wife there was a sense of support, a sense of being seen & valued & desired for my contributions, and a sense that she had my back, whatever pieces I might have missed, she would be sure to pick up.

For the best collaboration, there must also be an individual confidence in one’s own power. I feel like in a lot of my failed collaborations since then, I have not stayed true to my vision. I compromised too quickly & too easily because I didn’t want to seem like I was dominating, but that’s not a collaboration, that’s giving over to someone else’s vision rather than co-creating a joint vision.

So what if we approached our relationships from the mindset of collaborations? I mean I know that lip service is done to the “co-creation” aspect. But what if you an artist, an activist, an organizer, someone who is used to “professional collaborations” took those same criteria that you use to figure out who you want to collaborate with & used it to vet partners. I’m not talking about the criteria regarding their particular knowledge or skillset (although that criteria is certainly valid—I myself am looking for someone with a high “emotional IQ”), but the criteria that excites your passion, that makes you feel like you and this person can co-create something grand & meaningful, that makes you sense there’s a perfect dovetailing of your vision. that makes you feel like you can take risks, can be vulnerable. can let down your walls in the service of something beautiful. Someone who you feel like you see & understand & whose trust in you feels like a gift.

Isn’t that what we want from our romantic relationships?